new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第45部分

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up　my　hallucinations　and　try　
to　be　a　grown…up。　But　maybe　I　should　do　it。　And　maybe　I　could。　If　I　had　Jacob。　
I　couldn't　make　that　decision　right　now。　It　hurt　too　much。　I'd　think　about　
something　else。　
Images　from　my　ill…considered　afternoon　stunt　rolled　through　my　head　while　I　
tried　to　e　up　with　
something　pleasant　to　think　about　the　feel　of　the　air　as　I　fell；　the　
blackness　of　the　water；　the　thrashing　of　
the　current　Edward's　face　I　lingered　there　for　a　long　time。　Jacob's　warm　
hands；　trying　to　beat　life　
back　into　me　the　stinging　rain　flung　down　by　the　purple　clouds　the　strange　
fire　on　the　waves　
There　was　something　familiar　about　that　flash　of　color　on　top　of　the　water。　Of　
course　it　couldn't　really　be　
fire—　
My　thoughts　were　interrupted　by　the　sound　of　a　car　squelching　through　the　mud　
on　the　road　outside。　I　
heard　it　stop　in　front　of　the　house；　and　doors　started　opening　and　closing。　I　
thought　about　sitting　up；　and　
then　decided　against　that　idea。　
Billy's　voice　was　easily　identifiable；　but　he　kept　it　uncharacteristically　
low；　so　that　it　was　only　a　gravelly　
grumble。　
The　door　opened；　and　the　light　flicked　on。　I　blinked；　momentarily　blind。　Jake　
startled　awake；　gasping　and　
jumping　to　his　feet。　
〃Sorry；〃　Billy　grunted。　〃Did　we　wake　you？〃　
My　eyes　slowly　focused　on　his　face；　and　then；　as　I　could　read　his　expression；　
they　filled　with　tears。　
〃Oh；　no；　Billy！〃　I　moaned。　
He　nodded　slowly；　his　expression　hard　with　grief。　Jake　hurried　to　his　father　
and　took　one　of　his　hands。　
The　pain　made　his　face　suddenly　childlike—it　looked　odd　on　top　of　the　man's　
body。　
Sam　was　right　behind　Billy；　pushing　his　chair　through　the　door。　His　normal　
posure　was　absent　from　
his　agonized　face。　
〃I'm　so　sorry；〃　I　whispered。　
Billy　nodded。　〃It's　gonna　be　hard　all　around。〃　
〃Where's　Charlie？〃　
〃Your　dad　is　still　at　the　hospital　with　Sue。　There　are　a　lot　of　arrangements　
to　be　made。〃　
I　swallowed　hard。　
〃I'd　better　get　back　there；〃　Sam　mumbled；　and　he　ducked　hastily　out　the　door。　
Billy　pulled　his　hand　away　from　Jacob；　and　then　he　rolled　himself　through　the　
kitchen　toward　his　room。　
Jake　stared　after　him　for　a　minute；　then　came　to　sit　on　the　floor　beside　me　
again。　He　put　his　face　in　his　
hands。　I　rubbed　his　shoulder；　wishing　I　could　think　of　anything　to　say。　
After　a　long　moment；　Jacob　caught　my　hand　and　held　it　to　his　face。　
〃How　are　you　feeling？　Are　you　okay？　I　probably　should　have　taken　you　to　a　
doctor　or　something。〃　He　
sighed。　
〃Don't　worry　about　me；〃　I　croaked。　
He　twisted　his　head　to　look　at　me。　His　eyes　were　rimmed　in　red。　〃You　don't　
look　so　good。〃　
〃I　don't　feel　so　good；　either；　I　guess。〃　
〃I'll　go　get　your　truck　and　then　take　you　home—you　probably　ought　to　be　there　
when　Charlie　gets　back。〃　
〃Right。〃　
I　lay　listlessly　on　the　sofa　while　I　waited　for　him。　Billy　was　silent　in　the　
other　room。　I　felt　like　a　peeping　
torn；　peering　through　the　cracks　at　a　private　sorrow　that　wasn't　mine。　
It　didn't　take　Jake　long。　The　roar　of　my　truck's　engine　broke　the　silence　
before　I　expected　it。　He　helped　
me　up　from　the　couch　without　speaking；　keeping　his　arm　around　my　shoulder　when　
the　cold　air　outside　
made　me　shiver。　He　took　the　driver's　seat　without　asking；　and　then　pulled　me　
next　to　his　side　to　keep　his　
arm　tight　around　me。　I　leaned　my　head　against　his　chest。　
〃How　will　you　get　home？〃　I　asked。　
〃I'm　not　going　home。　We　still　haven't　caught　the　bloodsucker；　remember？〃　
My　next　shudder　had　nothing　to　do　with　cold。　
It　was　a　quiet　ride　after　that。　The　cold　air　had　woken　me　up。　My　mind　was　
alert；　and　it　was　working　very　
hard　and　very　fast。　
What　if？　What　was　the　right　thing　to　do？　
I　couldn't　imagine　my　life　without　Jacob　now—I　cringed　away　from　the　idea　of　
even　trying　to　imagine　
that。　Somehow；　he'd　bee　essential　to　my　survival。　But　to　leave　things　the　
way　they　were　was　that　
cruel；　as　Mike　had　accused？　
I　remembered　wishing　that　Jacob　were　my　brother。　I　realized　now　that　all　I　
really　wanted　was　a　claim　on　
him。　It　didn't　feel　brotherly　when　he　held　me　like　this。　It　just　felt　nice—
warm　and　forting　and　familiar。　
Safe。　Jacob　was　a　safe　harbor。　
I　could　stake　a　claim。　I　had　that　much　within　my　power。　
I'd　have　to　tell　him　everything；　I　knew　that。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair。　
I'd　have　to　explain　it　right；　so　
that　he'd　know　I　wasn't　settling；　that　he　was　much　too　good　for　me。　He　already　
knew　I　was　broken；　that　
part　wouldn't　surprise　him；　but　he'd　need　to　know　the　extent　of　it。　I'd　even　
have　to　admit　that　I　was　
crazy—explain　about　the　voices　I　heard。　He'd　need　to　know　everything　before　
he　made　a　decision。　
But；　even　as　I　recognized　that　necessity；　I　knew　he　would　take　me　in　spite　of　
it　all。　He　wouldn't　even　
pause　to　think　it　through。　
I　would　have　to　mit　to　this—mit　as　much　of　me　as　there　was　left；　every　
one　of　the　broken　
pieces。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair　to　him。　Would　I？　Could　I？　
Would　it　be　so　wrong　to　try　to　make　Jacob　happy？　Even　if　the　love　I　felt　for　
him　was　no　more　than　a　
weak　echo　of　what　I　was　capable　of；　even　if　my　heart　was　far　away；　wandering　
and　grieving　after　my　
fickle　Romeo；　would　it　be　so　very　wrong？　
Jacob　stopped　the　truck　in　front　of　my　dark　house；　cutting　the　engine　so　it　
was　suddenly　silent。　Like　so　
many　other　times；　he　seemed　to　be　in　tune　with　my　thoughts　now。　
He　threw　his　other　arm　around　me；　crushing　me　against　his　cheat；　binding　me　to　
him。　Again；　this　felt　nice。　
Almost　like　being　a　whole　person　again。　
I　thought　he　would　be　thinking　of　Harry；　but　then　he　spoke；　and　his　tone　was　
apologetic。　〃Sorry。　I　
know　you　don't　feel　exactly　the　way　I　do；　Bella。　I　swear　I　don't　mind。　I'm　
just　so　glad　you're　okay　that　I　
could　sing—and　that's　something　no　one　wants　to　hear。〃　He　laughed　his　throaty　
laugh　in　my　ear。　
My　breathing　kicked　up　a　notch；　sanding　the　walls　of　my　throat。　
Wouldn't　Edward；　indifferent　as　he　might　be；　want　me　to　be　as　happy　as　
possible　under　the　
circumstances？　Wouldn't　enough　friendly　emotion　linger　for　him　to　want　that　
much　for　me？　I　thought　he　
would。　He　wouldn't　begrudge　me　this：　giving　just　a　small　bit　of　love　he　didn't　
want　to　my　friend　Jacob。　
After　all；　it　wasn't　the　same　love　at　all。　
Jake　pressed　his　warm　cheek　against　the　top　of　my　hair。　
If　I　turned　my　face　to　the　side—if　I　pressed　my　lips　against　his　bare　
shoulder。。。　I　knew　without　any　doubt　
what　would　follow。　It　would　be　very　easy。　There　would　be　no　need　for　
explanations　tonight。　
But　could　I　do　it？　Could　I　betray　my　absent　heart　to　save　my　pathetic　life？　
Butterflies　assaulted　my　stomach　as　I　thought　of　turning　my　head。　
And　then；　as　clearly　as　if　I　were　in　immediate　danger；　Edward's　velvet　voice　
whispered　in　my　ear。　
〃Be　happy；〃　he　told　me。　
I　froze。　
Jacob　felt　me　stiffen　and　released　me　automatically；　reaching　for　the　door。　
Wait；　I　wanted　to　say。　Just　a　minute。　But　I　was　still　locked　in　place；　
listening　to　the　echo　of　Edward's　
voice　in　my　head。　
Storm…cooled　air　blew　through　the　cab　of　the　truck。　
〃OH！〃　The　breath　whooshed　out　of　Jacob　like　someone　had　punched　him　in　the　
gut。　〃Holy　crap！〃　
He　slammed　the　door　and　twisted　the　keys　in　the　ignition　at　the　same　moment。　
His　hands　were　shaking　
so　hard　I　didn't　know　how　he　managed　it。　
〃What's　wrong？〃　
He　revved　the　engine　too　fast；　it　sputtered　and　faltered。　
〃Vampire；〃　he　spit　out。　
The　blood　rushed　from　my　head　and　left　me　dizzy。　〃How　do　you　know？〃　
〃Because　I　can　smell　it。　Dammit！〃　
Jacob's　eyes　were　wild；　raking　the　dark　street。　He　barely　seemed　aware　of　the　
tremors　that　were　rolling　
through　his　body。　〃Phase　or　get　her　out　of　here？〃　he　hissed　at　himself。　
He　looked　down　at　me　for　a　split　second；　taking　in　my　horror…struck　eyes　and　
white　face；　and　then　he　
was　scanning　the　street　again。　〃Right。　Get　you　out。〃　
The　engine　caught　with　a　roar。　The　tires　squealed　as　he　spun　the　truck　around；　
turning　toward　our　only　
escape。　The　headlights　washed　across　the　pavement；　lit　the　front　line　of　the　
black　forest；　and　finally　
glinted　off　a　car　parked　across　the　street　from　my　house。　
〃Stop！〃　I　gasped。　
It　was　a　black　car—a　car　I　knew。　I　might　be　the　furthest　thing　from　an　
autophile；　but　I　could　tell　you　
everything　about　that　particular　car。　It　was　a　Mercedes　S55　AMG。　I　knew　the　
horsepower　and　the　color　
of　the　interior。　I　knew　the　feel　of　the　powerful　engine　purring　through　the　
frame。　I　knew　the　rich　smell　of　
the　leather　seats　and　the　way　the　extra…dark　tint　made　noon　look　like　dusk　
through　those　windows。　
It　was　Carlisle's　car。　
〃Stop！〃　I　cried　again；　louder　this　time；　because　Jacob　was　gunning　the　truck　
down　the　street。　
〃What？！〃　
〃It's　not　Victoria。　Stop；　stop！　I　want　to　go　back。〃　
He　stomped　on　the　brake　so　hard　I　had　to　catch　myself　against　the　dashboard。　
〃What？〃　he　asked　again；　aghast。　He　stared　at　me　with　horror　in　his　eyes。　
〃It's　Carlisle's　car！　It's　the　Cullens。　I　know　it。〃　
He　watched　dawn　break　across　my　face；　and　a　violent　tremor　rocked　his　frame。　
〃Hey；　calm　down；　Jake。　It's　okay。　No　danger；　see？　Relax。〃　
〃Yeah；　calm；〃　he　panted；　putting　his　head　down　and　closing　his　eyes。　While　he　
concentrated　on　not　
exploding　into　a　wolf；　I　stared　out　the　back　window　at　the　black　car。　
It　was　just　Carlisle；　I　told　myself。　Don't　expect　anything　more。　Maybe　Esme　
Stop　right　there；　I　told　
myself。　Just　Carlisle。　That　was　plenty。　More　than　I'd　ever　hoped　to　have　
again。　
〃There's　a　vampire　in　your　house；〃　Jacob　hissed。　〃And　you　want　to　go　back？〃　
I　glanced　at　him；　ripping　my　unwilling　eyes　off　the　Mercedes—terrified　that　
it　would　disappear　the　second　
I　looked　away。　
〃Of　course；〃　I　said；　my　voice　blank　with　surprise　at　his　question。　Of　course　I　
wanted　to　go　back。　
Jacob's　face　hardened　while　I　stared　at　him；　congealing　into　the　bitter　mask　
that　I'd　thought　was　gone　for　
good。　Just　before　he　had　the　mask　in　place；　I　caught　the　spasm　of　betrayal　
that　flashed　in　his　eyes。　His　
hands　were　still　shaking。　He　looked　ten　years　older　than　me。　
He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃You're　sure　it's　not　a　trick？〃　he　asked　in　a　slow；　
heavy　voice。　
〃It's　not　a　trick。　It's　Carlisle。　Take　me　back！〃　
A　shudder　rippled　through　his　wide　shoulders；　but　his　eyes　were　flat　and　
emotionless。　〃No。〃　
〃Jake；　it's　okay—〃　
〃No。　Take　yourself　back；　Bella。〃　His　voice　was　a　slap—I　flinched　as　the　sound　
of　it　struck　me。　His　jaw　
clenched　and　unclenched。　
〃Look；　Bella；〃　he　said　in　the　same　hard　voice。　〃I　can't　go　back。　Treaty　or　no　
treaty；　that's　my　enemy　in　
there。〃　
〃It's　not　like　that—〃　
〃I　have　to　tell　Sam　right　away。　This　changes　things。　We　can't　be　caught　on　
their　territory。〃　
〃Jake；　it's　not　a　war！〃　
He　didn't　listen。　He　put　the　truck　in　neutral　and　jumped　out　the　door；　leaving　
it　running。　
〃Bye；　Bella；〃　he　called　back　over　his　shoulder。　〃I　really　hope　you　don't　die。〃　
He　sprinted　into　the　
darkness；　shaking　so　hard　that　his　shape　seemed　blurred；　he　disappeared　before　
I　could　open　my　mouth　
to　call　him　back。　
Remorse　pinned　me　against　the　seat　for　one　long　second。　What　had　I　just　done　
to　Jacob'？　
But　remorse　couldn't　hold　me　very　long。　
I　slid　across　the　seat　and　put　the　truck　back　in　drive。　My　hands　were　shaking　
almost　as　hard　as　Jake's　
had　been；　and　this　to